Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
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