i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
