life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
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