Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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