The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
