so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Is it penis luge time yet?
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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