I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Randomize
