I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
you traded sex for a burrito?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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