You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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