it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I did not marry a roomba.
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