you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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