Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Randomize
