I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
