Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
