his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
