Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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