my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
