if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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