The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
