You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
