I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Moan for me like Helen Keller
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Randomize
