Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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