they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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