i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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