Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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