Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize