Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
