dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
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