Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Randomize
