that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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