took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
