If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
