i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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