Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Randomize
