after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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