Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
