It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
