This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
