better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
