Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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