his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
