I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I just cut my nipple shaving
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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