How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
