What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
