In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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