OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
