What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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