Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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