just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Randomize
