Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
