you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
