guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
