It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
