my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
