Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
