i jhust puked up my retainher.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
