I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
