Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
