Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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