so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
