i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
